He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
