Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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