Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
