If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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