I wanna passion pit in your ass
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
