I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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