im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
