I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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