my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
