ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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