Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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