i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
