she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
