Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
