this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
