You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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