We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Drunk is a universal language darling
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