you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
