Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
