Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
