Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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