Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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