Just fell off a train. Bad.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
