I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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