It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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