Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
