My sheets look like a crime scene.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
