i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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