You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
