It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
