i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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