I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
