i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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