she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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