I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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