4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
