her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
