you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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