I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
