I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
