Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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