If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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