you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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