So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
