the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
