My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
