I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
