she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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