I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
