You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
