Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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