The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize