How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
The power of my boobs compel you
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize