At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
sex in a hospital.. check
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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