Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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