Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
