Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
