Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
