A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
