i may or may not be watching the land before time
I got her a Nickelback box set.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize