Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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