I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
