i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
