I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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