I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize