you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
