So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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