He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
then he tried to convert me to islam
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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