my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
