my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
